Almost four years ago I set out on a goal: to run a marathon.
At the time, I had a solid 4.0 in school, worked five days a week, kickboxed on the weekends, organized Band Nights once a week, and never woke up after 6 a.m.
I wanted to run a marathon because that's the person I was. I was constantly inspired and motivated. Not only did I like to perform, but I liked to come out as the best whether I was naturally talented at my task or not.
But that's the person I was. I say was, because everything I had to be proud of somehow slipped away while I willingly waved it out.
Today, I'm a college dropout. I'm too afraid to go back and try to makeup for my terrible academic performance. I don't kick-box and I sleep about ten hours a night. I work forty hours a week and kick ass doing it, but I allow this one activity to validate my entire being while ignoring my enormous shortcomings. I find myself constantly looking back in disappointment.
I make tons of excuses about how I got where I am. Some of these excuses really were hardships. For one, I got sick during my last quarter in college. Not just the flu, I got so sick that I could no longer work or even take care of myself for nearly a month. Maybe connected to this issue was the fact that I became more stressed than I had ever been in my life. Being constantly unable to maintain financial stability, skipping class to work and becoming increasingly more apt to ignore my responsibilities caused me to spend my nights drinking or finding any distraction I could.
One bad thing after another seemed to happen to me. I had a burn accident that landed me in the hospital. My skin allergies became so out of control that even after my burn cleared up, people would point and ask if it was permanent. Two of my friends tragically died within one week of each other. My family seemed to be collapsing financially and emotionally.
Truly, my situation today is the result of some very unfortunate events. But I know I must have changed before I even encountered them. When I first moved to college, I was the same successful girl I always was. However, I soon took up partying, stopped training for my marathon, cut off ties with friends back home and ignored my problems.
The person I used to be would have overcome her obstacles or never put herself in those positions. She would have handled her shit. She would have finished what she started.
I suffer every day wishing I could be that girl.
... And that's why I want to run a marathon.
I know I will never be the same person I was. But I am hoping I can be even stronger. It may be four years too late, but I would like to finish what I started.
